Excuse the type-os. I’m exhausted from my huge nine month check-up yesterday in New York. I’ve had cancer for nine years and I had never gone this long between appointments.
The fear started creeping up on me a few weeks ago. I tried to tame it while letting myself freak out as needed. I watched crappy movies, was moody, and ignored the world around me as best I could. Cocooning helps me.
I didn’t tell many people about my upcoming appointment. I liked not having a big build up. I know that people mean well when they tell me they’re praying for me, thinking of me, sending me good vibes. But I don’t want this kind of support anymore. And I was especially was glad to be rid of the people who tell me they know I’ll do fine. (Really?!? How the hell do you know?) It’s nice to slink into the cancer center without the pressure of anyone’s expectations.
Being hush-hush calmed me down a bit. For the first time ever, I managed not to bite off all of my fingernails; only my thumbs. Still, fear gnawed away at me. For three days leading up to the trip, every time I closed my eyes, I saw the yellow flowers from the sheets on the bed where Shannon and I stay when we are in New York. This morning, I had irrational, obsessive thoughts. I felt like I had to make my bed or else I’d get bad results. But, I didn’t want to give into this line of thinking and forced myself to leave the bed a mess.
My wait is over. I had good news. My tumors have not grown. This is a tremendous relief. I am happy, happy, happy. And now, I’m biting off my fingernails. Not because I’m anxious, but because I don’t have to hold myself together anymore. Did you hear my huge sigh of relief? It’s nice to come out of my cocoon with good news.
How do you cope with waiting? Do you ever have totally irrational or obsessive thoughts or habits when you are burdened with fear or anxiety? Do you find comfort in telling people you have an appointment coming up?