When I interviewed Rick Gribenas for my book Everything Changes, his honesty blew me away. That same kind of honesty lives on in Charissa, his wife who is now widowed. She is the founder of BRICKS for Young Adults. Yep, that’s her pic above. I hope this is the first of many guest posts from her:
“I learned very recently that the term ‘widow’ is not an option on Myspace when selecting a ‘Status’. This really bothers me. I feel that the other options don’t apply to me. So, I need to reclaim the words ‘widow/widower’.
I think people are afraid of it/us. Sure, our new status is difficult and comes with a lot of work to do. That doesn’t mean we are some strange, mysterious creature not to be trusted or gotten close to. The word widow means I was a part of a loving, special relationship that ended not by choice but by circumstance.
To my friends I say, ‘Believe me.’ When I tell you I’m ok, I’m really not lying or covering up my feelings to spare you the details. Every day is new as I work through this. I have good days and bad days. Some days all I do is smile when I think of my husband, other days I can only cry. It simply means that I am ok. Not awesome, not wonderful, not wallowing in misery. When those times come I hope you’ll be there too, but when I’m ok trust me and let me be ok for as long as it lasts.
To the cancer community I say, Don’t ignore me.’ Bereaved spouses have so few resources. Sure, my partner’s story may not be an American Cancer Society commercial waiting to happen, but it’s mine, and it connects me to the larger community of those dealing with cancer in so many capacities. I’m not going to rain on your parade of positivity, nor is my “widowdom” any more contagious than the cancer that put me here. I shouldn’t get kicked out of the club because my story didn’t have the happiest ending. It’s still a story of hope, love, trust and living.
Being a widow is now a part of my story, a learning experience that makes me who I am. I learned this acceptance from my husband- that every experience has value, and it only has the power over you that you give it. It has happened, you have no choice but to accept it, so now what do you do with it? You all already know my answer to that.”
If you’re a bereaved young adult, how do people around you respond? If you are a survivor do you ever reach out to widows/widowers or does it freak you out – especially if you are still in treatment? (Come on, be honest.) I think our community often sweeps bereavement under the young adult cancer rug. This needs to change. Do you agree?