What sucks more than cancer? Being single on Valentine’s Day with cancer. I might not be there now, but I was for many years. So I’m throwing the first official Single with Cancer Valentine’s Day Bash on my blog today.
To celebrate, here is part of an interview I did with Melissa Sorenson a few years ago when she was 24 and living with lymphoma. She told me the story of her boyfriend who we’ll call Daniel, to save the bastard from embarrassment. (Who knows, maybe he has transformed into a nice guy by now?)
Cheer Up Sweet Melissa?
“If I had a message to the men of the world who have rejected women with cancer it would be fuck you! No. You’re an idiot. No. You’re just selfish. It’s so pathetic – do these men not think that they could get sick some day too? It’s just bad karma. Do they not realize that the next woman they are with could get sick? Or that their parents might get sick someday? I guess these men have never had to deal with anyone being sick around them and they don’t want the burden of having to start now.
Five weeks into chemo Daniel had a party. I was pretty sick but I went anyway. Around midnight I got this horrible, painful, weird feeling of illness just vibrating through my chest and stomach and legs. I left Daniel’s party and went to my friend’s apartment to sleep. I felt so lonely and scared. I called him around 2 AM, when I thought the party was winding down, to ask if he’d come be with me. He didn’t want to leave the party. I’m like, ‘Dude, these are like the only times I’m ever gonna ask you to do this.’ He’s like, ‘Can’t you just come back over here?’ I’m like, ‘I can’t sleep in the middle of a party.’ So he just never came.
There was a girl at his party who I just didn’t like. You know how you get certain vibes? I’m usually right about these things. That’s why I listen to myself. Women do have a way of knowing these things. I woke up at 6 AM. I wanted to go over to Daniel’s cause I knew that she’d be there, but physically I just couldn’t get up, I was too sick. I waited and called him at 9. I’m like, ‘Who slept over?’ I got it out of him. I can always get it out of him. And I was right. That girl slept over in his bed. Even his friends who love Daniel and think he’s a great guy are like, he’s a great guy but Mel you’re sick and he’s not doing what he needs to do for you. A couple of times he called me from bars and I had a hunch that he was out with other women. He’d invite me along but I think he was trying to cover because he knew I was too sick and would never make it out.
I finally decided it was easier to handle the heartache of ending it than it was to manage the stress of him going out drinking and being with other women. I finally broke up with him on week 8 of chemo. I have never been so depressed in my entire life. Lots of people would write cards to me saying you’re so strong and inspirational for dealing with cancer. I’d think, no, no, no stop it. I’m not. Everyone has their struggles in life. And I honestly feel like going through love problems is worse than going through cancer sometimes.”
More Dirt?
Do you have any girl or guy bashing, broken hearted or dumped during cancer stories to share? Any advice on how to ride the waves of being single or divorced or going through hard times with a partner during chemo? Do share.
“Everything Changes is, without doubt, the most forthright, emotionally sophisticated, and plain-old valuable book of its kind I've seen.”
February 14th, 2009 at 2:19 PM
My husband cheated on me and then told me it was because I had cancer and was “radioactive”. I can’t even get into everything he said to me because it’s just beyond stupid. I will agree that sometimes I think the heartbreak of a divorce is more difficult to deal with than cancer. I don’t know that I really have any advice to offer than to say that if someone is going to dump you when you need them the most then they really aren’t worthy of being in your life to begin with. It took me awhile to get to the point where I could say that and belive it but now I know how much stronger and I am just how happier I am without him in my life. It isn’t easy but it does get better - eventually.
February 14th, 2009 at 4:35 PM
I agree. That is definitely true. A lot of people acted like I was an alien when they found out about my tumor. That’s why I got hooked on my new church right away. Everyone just treated me like I was normal. My advice is to suround yourself with people like that. As for valentine’s day. Buy yourself some chocolate and celebrate that you are single and wonderful. : P Pamper yourself and look forward to meeting the right guy. : )
February 14th, 2009 at 9:43 PM
My husband and I divorced during my cancer also- actually it was finalized less than a month ago and we’d only been separated for a month and a half before that so it was pretty recently. He cheated on me too-with a “past love” as he called her. It’s funny though because I know this girl and everyone and their dog (i hate to say this but litteraly a dog because she’s “different” like that) had “loved” her if you get my point. She’s had two abortions because she didn’t like what race her babies were gonna be but for some reason my ex-husband thought she was a cool person and that they worked better together than we did. The truth is, he hated hospitals and didn’t like that I was crazy enough to want my husband to visit me while I was in the hospital for a stem cell transplant. Oh and the entire time I had cancer and I was home I was still completely responsible for my son-I remember once after a chemo day that when I complained of being too tired to cook dinner and wash dishes he asked me what I was good for if I wasn’t going to do what a wife is supposed to do. Ughhh!!! He was a selfish jerk who only cared that he had someone around to feed him, do his laundry, and clean is house. I’ve decided that he doesn’t want a lover, he wants his mommy back. Oh and back to that girl- she broke up with him about a month after they got together because he wasn’t enough fun for her…and he tried to call ME to cry about it! Whatever! Anyway, this was a great idea for us to rant and rave about a-holes we’ve known- thanks! I’m not quite at the point where I can say I deserve better and really believe it cause I’m still so hurt he left me while I was going through such a scary, bad time in my life. I’ll get there eventually though. I hope that right guy comes around sooner rather than later.
February 16th, 2009 at 2:19 PM
What a little shit Daniel is…
I hope he has grown up since then.
February 17th, 2009 at 6:09 AM
During my treatment for breast cancer at 31 years old I continued to date online. So bald and boobless I searched for love. I met many a jerk along the way but this breakup goes down in my record books! I had been dating this guys for a few months when I finally woke up to the fact that I think what I was most attracted to was that he didn’t mind I had cancer. At the time I felt unworthy because of my diagnosis not realizing then that I had nothing to feel unworthy about. No matter what scars were on the outside I was still a good person on the inside. Ok, back to my story….I decided to break up with him. When I did his response was “Are you sure you wanna do this?, Do you know what I have done for someone like you? Who is going to want to date a girl who has cancer?” Long story short, I moved on from that, picked myself up dusted myself off and continued dating. And a couple of months later I finally met someone who could see past all the cancer crap to who I was inside. We have been married for 5 years now.
I have had people ask me why I continued dating through all of my treatment. And it really was about me still living my life. Dating was a big part of my life before cancer and it was part of what made me still feel alive. Working, going out with my friends, and dating. I say, if you are up for it go for it, but if not then that is ok too. You have to do what is best for you.